


Four And A Half Minutes

by the_moonmoth



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-26
Updated: 2005-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 09:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/147740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_moonmoth/pseuds/the_moonmoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Frankly? I find the thought of McKay training up his own little clone army to be deeply, deeply disturbing.' In which Rodney is inept, Teyla beats on Sheppard, and Elizabeth gets a headache. A normal day in Atlantis, then. Set some time post-Intruder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four And A Half Minutes

**Author's Note:**

> Helenish planted the seed for this with her post a few weeks ago asking why there weren’t more humorous Teyla/Rodney stories out there. Being one of about three people to write this pairing, I naturally took that as a challenge. Huge thanks to Alyse, who beta'd despite feeling crappy *bear hugs*
> 
> The author would like it noted in the minutes that she was under the influence of foreign bodies during the writing this story (sadly not David Hewlett-shaped ones. I picture them more as small, green and angry-looking). No responsibility will be taken for bad jokes or shady humour.
> 
> Written for the "School Challenge" at sga_flashfic on livejournal. All comments/criticisms welcomed.

**Teyla**

'Ah, Teyla, there you are,' Rodney said. He sidled nonchalantly into the room, glanced around with studied carelessness, realised it was empty, and hurried up to where Teyla sat with a laptop before her on the table.

She looked up and smiled, surprising herself as a little bolt of pleasure at seeing him shot through her stomach. 'Dr. McKay,' she greeted, 'how may I help you?'

'Oh, you can help me alright,' he said, his voice low and excited. He grinned and pulled out the chair opposite to hers at the table and sat down. She raised an eyebrow. His grin faltered. 'Not to say that you haven't helped me already,' he continued, 'because, you know, wow, talk about therapeutic. It's been a long time since I've slept that well without the help of illegal substances or other, uh, illegal...' he trailed off. 'Too much?'

Teyla smiled again and patted his hand. Letting Rodney waffle himself into self-censure was always... entertaining? Yes, entertaining.

'Anyway, previously, yes, there's always been the adrenaline and the near-death experience and reaffirmation of life and all that,' he said, replaying events in the air with his hands, 'but I thought it was really good, and I thought you thought that too, and...'

...the Colonel and Dr. Weir usually put a halt to his ramblings before anything truly interesting could slip out, but when it was just the two of them... Sometimes she made bets with herself as to how long he would talk for, or how deep a hole he could dig for himself (as his people said).

'Uh, Teyla?' Rodney asked tentatively, fingers twitching beneath the palm of her hand, 'Are you listening to me? Why are you looking at me like that?'

Teyla cocked her head to the side and allowed her grin to widen slightly -- she had an idea where this was going. 'No reason,' she said. 'Please, continue.'

'Okay,' Rodney said slowly, looking suspicious now, 'well, the crux of the matter is, I've had a terrible day, I think I've actually lost height from the muscle tension in my neck and my brain is about to explode from the stupid, so I was really hoping we could, you know,' he made a whistling sound and a lewd gesture, and Teyla had to force herself not to laugh.

Just then Major Lorne and his team entered. Teyla let her eyes slide towards them and then back to Rodney. Affecting a grave expression, she said, 'Perhaps we should continue this in my quarters, Dr. McKay.' Rodney nodded eagerly, and promptly followed her out.

***

'Oh God, oh God, oh GOD,' Rodney said.

Teyla smirked, feeling sexy and smug, and stilled her hips. Stretching luxuriously in a way that thrust her breasts out, she felt Rodney's eyes rake over her naked body before she slid off him, resting on her side, head propped up on one hand.

'Is that better?' she asked.

'Much- yes- so much better,' Rodney stuttered, still getting his breath back. 'You?' he asked with a forced casualness that made her reach out to touch his chest.

'I was already relaxed before,' she said lightly. ' _Now_ , I am satisfied.'

'Oh, good,' Rodney said, smiling slightly with relief. 'Great.' He yawned widely and shuffled around, settling himself more deeply into her bed. 'Mind if I...?'

Teyla hesitated a second, wondering about boundaries and intentions and Earth customs, and then smiled and said, 'Not at all.' She reached down to pull up the discarded duvet, settling it over them before settling herself back beside Rodney, curling up next to him. She moved her hand to put it back on his chest, Rodney moved his arm at the same time, there was a collision.

'Sorry,' they both said, and then laughed a little uncertainly at each other. For a second they just looked at one another, and Teyla marvelled how two people who had just previously been so intimate together could suddenly feel so uncomfortable. Particularly two naked people. Or perhaps because they were naked, she mused. And then Rodney finished moving his arm, and Teyla finished moving her hand, and they ended up wrapped around each other, warm and almost easy.

Rodney's breathing was just beginning to even out when he murmured, 'So hey, what were you doing with that laptop when I found you?'

'Just a little research,' Teyla murmured back drowsily, 'for the new school on the mainland.'

***

Teyla awoke sometime later when Rodney sat bolt upright in bed. He stared with great focus at the opposing wall for approximately thirty seconds, then turned to Teyla with a beatific smile.

'You're a genius!' he exclaimed, kissed her hard, jumped out of bed and disappeared. Bemused, Teyla stared at the door he had just departed through, thinking that it was probably only fifty-fifty that he'd remembered to put his clothes on.

***

 **Elizabeth**

 _Oookay,_ Elizabeth thought, which was her usual reaction when faced with a rapidly gesticulating Rodney and his latest great idea. She crossed her hands neatly and sat forward, letting them rest on the desk.

'A school,' she repeated flatly.

'Yes!' Rodney said, exasperated. 'Try to keep up. Now, all my proposals are here,' he handed her a data screen, 'for your perusal. Feel free to make comments, but I think you'll find I've been quite thorough.' He looked at her expectantly, bouncing a little on his toes.

Elizabeth stared back. Then realisation dawned. 'You want me to read it now?'

'Yes, well, after you've had your coffee,' he conceded.

Elizabeth sighed. 'I have a very busy morning scheduled, Rodney, but-' she held up a hand to forestall any objections, 'I promise I'll try to take a look at it before lunch.'

He nodded, satisfied, and turned to go.

'Wait a second, Rodney?' Elizabeth called, higher functions slowly catching up. 'Have you asked Teyla what she thinks about this?'

Rodney's smile was a cross between a smirk and a real, genuine beam. 'She's the one who suggested it,' he said.

***

It really was quite comprehensive: articles on child psychology, the benefits of structured education and challenging young minds, teaching methods, suggested curricula, class size, class outlines... it went on and on. There were even rough blueprints for a school building on the mainland.

She began by reading. Thirty minutes into her lunch break she began to scan. Ten minutes later she started to just scroll down, keeping one eye on her watch. It took her another five to reach the bottom of the document. He must have been up half the night, she thought, rubbing absently at her temples.

Her door opened as she was scrolling back to the start, and John stuck his head in. 'Everything okay?' he asked, looking mildly concerned.

'Oh yes,' she smiled ruefully. 'Just reading through Rodney's latest proposal.'

'Ah,' John nodded sagely and, obviously having judged it safe, came into her office. 'Well, I didn't see you in the mess hall,' he said, holding up a tray, 'so I thought I'd bring you lunch.'

'Thank you,' Elizabeth said sincerely, grateful, and pushed away her laptop and Rodney's screen to make space. 'So, has he mentioned it to you yet?'

'The school?' John frowned and scratched his chin. 'Yeah, he may have brought it up once or twice.'

'He's been bugging you all morning,' Elizabeth guessed.

'Pretty much.'

Elizabeth picked at her salad. John sipped his coffee. 'So?' she asked after a moment.

'So- I-' John looked pained for a second, then put his coffee down and clasped his hands together. 'Frankly? I find the thought of McKay training up his own little clone army to be deeply, deeply disturbing.'

Elizabeth pursed her lips together in a rather unsuccessful attempt to not appear amused by the very earnest concerns of her military commander. 'Noted,' she said.

***

'Teyla!' Elizabeth called down the corridor, jogging to catch up.

'Dr. Weir,' Teyla greeted. 'Is everything okay?'

'Yes, I was just wondering if you had a minute to talk about this plan for the school?'

Teyla frowned and shook her head in confusion. 'I was not aware that you had been informed. Halling and I have only recently begun-'

'Rodney told me all about it this morning,' Elizabeth interrupted. Recognition spread across Teyla's face, as expected, but unexpectedly followed by an expression Elizabeth could only call _shifty_.

'Ah, yes, I mentioned it to him while we were... talking... last night.'

'I see,' Elizabeth said slowly. 'And have you had a chance to review the proposals since then?'

'I have not finished them yet,' Teyla said, that shifty expression appearing again. 'I was interrupted in my work. I was going to pass them on to you,' she added, looking concerned now, 'as soon as I had completed them...' she cocked her head at Elizabeth thoughtfully, 'But Rodney has already...' Elizabeth nodded. Teyla pulled herself up to her full, rather unimpressive height. 'I believe Dr. McKay and I need to talk,' Teyla said, looking halfway between annoyed and amused. 'Please excuse me, Dr. Weir.'

Elizabeth watched her stride away until she turned a corner, and then she shook her head. She almost didn't want to know what was going on there. Almost.

***

 **Teyla**

'Dr. Zelenka,' Teyla greeted distractedly, looking around the lab, 'is Dr. McKay here?'

'No,' Zelenka said, only briefly glancing up before going back to his work. 'He has been most agitated all morning, coming and going like a cuckoo in a clock. Is making my life very unpleasant I can tell you.'

'Cuckoo?' Teyla asked.

'It is a bird, on Earth,' Zelenka explained.

'I see,' Teyla said, not seeing at all. 'Do you know where I might find him?'

'Not a clue,' Zelenka sighed. 'He has not been making any sense since last night...' he trailed off, slowly raising his head to fix Teyla with a calculating look, 'when he said he needed to speak to you about something.'

Teyla tried to look politely incredulous at any implications that might be being directed at her, and innocent in case there weren't. Given Zelenka's reaction, she suspected she just came off looking naughty.

'What did you do to him?' Zelenka demanded. 'His brain is like cold porridge today!'

'I have no idea what you mean, Doctor. If you'll excuse me.' Teyla made a run for it.

***

She finally caught up with Rodney fifteen minutes later, barrelling his way down one of the corridors in the residential section.

'Can't stop Teyla, sorry -- got a meeting with Simons.'

'About the school?' Teyla asked, falling into step with him. Simons was a structural engineer, and had helped her people begin to erect more sturdy living quarters on the mainland after the storm.

'Yes, actually. Great idea by the way.'

'Thank you, Dr. McKay. What a generous sentiment, especially coming from you,' Teyla said, smiling evenly. 'I realise that I do not generate 'great ideas' at any comparable rate to someone like you-'

Rodney suddenly stopped, looking horrified. 'This is about my genius, isn't it? You're intimidated by it and want to stop...' he made his lewd little gesture again. 'Teyla, please, I know that I sometimes -- okay, often -- okay, always -- think on a level unobtainable to others but I don't want you to think... God, you're not _stupid_!'

Teyla arched an eyebrow. 'I realise,' she repeated, 'that I do not generate great ideas at any comparable rate to someone like you, but they are _my_ ideas.' She stared at him, eyebrows raised, allowing that to sink in. 'If you wish to help, then your input will be welcomed, but the Athosians are my people, and the school is my responsibility.'

'But,' Rodney said, looking like he was reeling a little, 'you won't do it properly.'

'I'm sorry?' Teyla asked, taking a step forward.

'What are you going to teach them? _How_ are you going to teach them? I hardly think cave drawings and oral history are going to keep enquiring minds satisfied compared to everything on offer in Atlantis.'

Not trusting herself to speak in a manner suitable for the public corridors, and reminding herself that a knife to the throat would be most inappropriate, Teyla spun around and stalked back the way she had come.

'I've got it all planned,' Rodney called after her. 'Sheppard's going to teach them football in gym class!'

***

 **Rodney**

'What's up?' Sheppard asked, collapsing into the chair opposite Rodney.

Rodney poked morosely at his dinner. 'Teyla and I had a fight,' he said. And then realising what that sounded like, 'in a completely platonic, team-mate kind of way.'

'Uh-huh,' Sheppard said, looking at him funny. 'Well, that explains a lot. She really kicked my ass today in our sparring session.'

'Was she really angry?' Rodney asked. 'I blame myself.'

'What did you do?' Sheppard asked, eyeing him again.

'I didn't do anything!' Rodney protested. 'She just,' he sighed, 'she thinks she's inadequate, okay? We were discussing the school and I think she sort of had an epiphany that her intelligence is, well, less than mine. Which of course it is, but, I think the realisation hit her hard, you know?' Sheppard put his head in his hands. 'I even told her what you said about teaching the kids football, you know, exercise and violence -- warrior stuff! That's when she left. She looked really angry with herself. What?'

'Tell me,' Sheppard said, lifting his head and looking pained, 'exactly what you said.'

***

'Oh my God, oh my God, oh my GOD,' Rodney moaned, wringing his hands. He was pacing up and down the corridor outside Teyla's quarters, debating whether or not to override the door lock, unable to decide if she was in there and just ignoring him, or if she really wasn't home.

He couldn't believe he'd been so- well, okay, in the grand scheme of his life this wasn't the worst thing he'd ever said to a- what were they, anyway? So they'd slept together a couple of times figuratively and, last night, literally, and actually that had been quite nice- Oh, who was he kidding? He really liked Teyla, not least because she seemed to have an in-built deflector to the less flattering of his personal qualities- at least, she did, before he blew it all to- Rodney knelt down and got to work.

He'd just removed the panel for the door controls when Teyla rounded the corner. She was wearing her sparring gear, the floaty skirt and leather halter neck, sweat still beaded on her forehead, upper lip and chest. Rodney whined a little.

'Dr. McKay,' she said icily (as icily as Teyla ever got). 'What are you doing to my door?'

'Oh, uh,' Rodney stood up, carefully keeping the mangled panel behind him, 'nothing.' Teyla looked both sceptical and unimpressed. 'Can I come in?'

She continued to glare at him for a few seconds, then inclined her head and typed in her access code.

***

 **John**

John was still in the mess hall when Rodney returned. He sat down for a microsecond, chewing his lip, then jumped back up and started pacing around the room. John sat back, slinging an arm over the back of his chair, getting comfortable for the show.

'So,' he asked, 'how did it go?'

Rodney paused for a second in his tour of the room. 'I'm not really sure,' he said, and drummed a finger against his lips. 'I apologised for questioning her intelligence, insulting her heritage and customs, taking over her project -- that's all I could think of!'

'Right.'

'What? You think I missed something?'

'Well, what did she say?'

'Actually, nothing.'

Damn. John had noticed Teyla's habit of allowing McKay free range when rambling. She'd always seemed to find it pretty funny, but in this kind of situation it just couldn't be good.

Rodney pointed back at the door. 'You think I should go back? Try again?'

'Maybe just give her some time to cool off,' he suggested. 'I'm sure she'll be more inclined to listen in the morning.'

'Oh, right. Okay.' Rodney plonked down opposite. 'Good.' He didn't look too happy. John really didn't want to know what was going on there. Really.

But, 'Rodney, why do you even want to start a school? You hate kids and I'd guess the feeling's pretty mutual.'

Rodney looked around evasively. 'For the good of the Athosian people?' he said hopefully. 'The satisfaction of shaping young minds, building futures, shedding light into the darkness,' he continued, getting into it. John blinked. It was just as he'd feared! 'Don't look at me like- Okay, _fine_ , it wasn't... I just... Sometimes it feels like Teyla and I have nothing in common. I figured this way, we would.'

'So it was something you could share?' John clarified. 'Something you could do together?'

'Right.'

'By completely taking over and keeping her in the dark.'

'Yes, well, obviously I seem to have lost sight of my original intention.'

***

 **Teyla**

'Colonel Sheppard,' Teyla said, surprised to find him at her door at this late hour. She had been expecting Rodney again, or Dr. Weir who sometimes came around for a cup of tea before bed.

'Teyla,' he replied, 'sorry to barge in on you. You got a minute?'

'Of course, please,' she gestured for him to enter and he stepped just inside the door, far enough to allow it to close behind him, but no farther. 'How can I help?'

He fidgeted for a moment, scratching the back of his head and looking generally discomfited. Eventually, he put his hands on his hips and said, 'Teyla, I have to know because this is giving me one hell of a headache -- you and McKay, you're gonna be okay, right?'

After Dr. Weir and Dr. Zelenka, Teyla had been expecting suspicion from Colonel Sheppard. Consequently, she just smiled serenely and nodded, 'I believe so, yes.'

Sheppard let out a relieved breath. 'Are you going to tell _him_ that?'

'I thought I would allow him to -- as your people say -- stew for a while.'

'Okay, well, while I'm sure he deserves it, I need you two to sort out whatever it is that's going on -- which, by the way, I so don't want to know anything about -- for the wellbeing of the team. Understood?' Teyla inclined her head in confirmation. 'Great. Good night, Teyla.'

'Good night, Colonel.'

***

When her door chime rang again shortly after midnight, Teyla had no doubt this time who it would be. She glanced at her timepiece quickly before opening the door. _Four and a half minutes,_ she thought, smiling slightly to herself.

Rodney stepped in and walked right past her before she could invite him in. For a moment she felt a little stab of guilt at how dishevelled and haggard he looked, then remembered that this was nothing unusual.

***

 **Rodney**

'Teyla, look, I just, I wanted to say, you're one in a million, and I know I don't always act it, but I do care about you and what you think,' he waved his hand, 'and so on. I mean, you're a beautiful woman who takes her clothes off for me for free and actually seems to enjoy it -- I'm not stupid enough to let that slip through my fingers, right?' He grinned at her. She looked back at him archly. He cleared his throat and continued. 'Anyway. I. Listen, I wanted to- I mean, are we-' he took a breath, refusing to be reduced to his gibbering teenage self. 'I'm really, really sorry and can we maybe go steady?' In his head, he groaned.

'Go steady?' Teyla repeated, frowning and glancing surreptitiously at her watch.

'You know,' Rodney said. 'Like, eat together and watch films and hang out and stuff.'

'Have we not always...?'

'Yes, but, but with the sex and the nakedness and-'

'Do the two not usually go together?'

'Teyla!' She glanced at her watch again. 'What?' he snapped, 'you got somewhere else you need to be?'

She held up a conciliatory hand. 'You wish for a commitment to be expressed between us?' Rodney nodded. She laughed then, a real hearty, mellow sound. For a moment, Rodney felt stricken, and then she reached out and touched his arm. 'Rodney,' she said softly, 'do we not already have this?'

Rodney stared a second, distantly noticing that his mouth was hanging open and that that was never a good look for him and he really should try to do better in front of the nice lady who _liked_ getting naked with him. And then, slowly, tentatively, as if of its own accord, he felt the corner of his mouth rising up into a smile. It was a small smile, but an ecstatically happy one. 'Yeah,' he said. 'I guess we do.'

And then, in a sudden flash of insight, he reached out and removed her watch. 'Enough talking,' he growled, and pushed her up against the wall.

***

A few months later, Rodney found himself sighing contentedly, leaning back on his elbows, lying on the grass playing field overlooking the recently completed Peter Grodin Memorial School (Teyla had wanted to name it after her father, but had given in after hearing his obviously superior suggestion... Okay, had thrown him a bone. Man, he was whipped).

Next to him, Teyla leaned over and bumped his shoulder. 'It is a fine structure, Rodney,' she said solemnly, 'expertly designed and well made, equipped with the finest Earth and Atlantean technology-'

'It's a work of art,' Rodney agreed.

'-but we have now been admiring it for two hours, and I am losing sensation in my extremities. If you ever wish to have sex with me again, we must find warmth quickly.'

Rodney immediately stood up, hoisting her after him. 'Short-cut through the woods okay with you?' he asked without turning around. 'It's a good ten minutes quicker that way by my reckoning, if you don't mind the spidery-things.'

'I have no fear of the spidery-things, no,' Teyla confirmed.

'Good good,' Rodney sing-songed, marching on.

Later still, after finding new and innovative ways to warm each other up, lying in Teyla's tent at the Athosian settlement, blanketed by soft, musty-sweet skins, watching each other and the cloudy sky visible through the tent's chimney-vent, Rodney murmured, 'It's almost enough to make you want kids, this school business.'

'You don't get on well with children, Rodney,' Teyla reminded him.

'Yes,' he agreed, 'but just imagine, our kids would be something special. Your looks and, uh, pizzazz; my brains. They'd be rulers of the galaxy and the galaxy would love them for it.' He gazed wistfully up at the night sky.

'It is never wise to imprint your own unrealised dreams upon your young,' Teyla said gravely.

'Okay, you need to stop hanging around with Heightmeyer,' Rodney accused. 'Young minds need to be encouraged, remember? What's wrong with setting them targets? You,' he poked her in the sternum, 'would be a terrible mother.'

Teyla just smiled. 'Rodney,' she repeated, 'you hate children.'

Rodney sighed. 'Yes, yes it's true,' he conceded sadly. 'But theoretically-'

'Rodney,' Teyla warned, and he shut up.

And so it was, until the end of their days.

The End


End file.
